That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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