it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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