my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
