his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
