Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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