How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
