he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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