Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
