Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
