My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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