He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
