every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
