considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
