you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
