I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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