I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I have tasted many bathrooms
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
