I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
