This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
