Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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