I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
