i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.