did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She announced her abortion via fbk
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
