Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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