that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
