I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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