I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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