You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
