Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
