textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
