I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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