did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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