I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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