Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
