soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
