Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
