after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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