Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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