wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
