ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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