There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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