P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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