I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
