Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
