so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
