how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
