Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
