I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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