The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my shit smells like andre
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
