i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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