I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
a search helicopter?!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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