3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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