i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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