she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
